My World Without You

Today was a gloomy day.  I think I've been in denial about my mother being gone.  It's like I have tucked her away in a small compartment and rather have chosen to just believe I haven't seen her in a while.  There are so many things that scare me when I think about how I will deal without her in my life . . . my future, my own children, my grandchild, just about everything.  She was always my rock . . . and somehow I falsely believed she would always be there.  And as long as she was on this planet, I had a buffer zone . . . a safe haven.  But now my world feels so incredibly large and blank . . . I am not saying I'm not blessed for I truly am, but I feel lonely now.  I am drifting from day to day with my good days, my okay days, and my just plain sad days.  So many days I want to just pick up the phone and call her and then I have to steel myself when I realize I can't.  Don't think I haven't tried . . . but when I dial her number, I get the following, "The number you have reached has been changed or is no longer in service."  No longer in service . . .